Uncle Scout's Tales of Respawn
by EnderGirl
Summary: Gather round, children. Uncle Scout's got a few stories to share with you. Written for Legolas Shaft! One-shot! /ALSO VERY IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE INSIDE./


**Just a little bit ago...I got a rather interesting review requesting something along the lines of this story. Just...I wrote this at like four in the morning, okay? I don't...I don't know what it is. *facepalm***

**BUT HERE WE GO. THIS SILLY LITTLE FICLET IS A PERFECT SEGUE FOR MY VERY VERY VERY EXCITING AND IMPORTANT NEWS: You need to prepare yourself, okay? **

***deep breath***

**There is a sequel. On the horizon. A confirmed sequel for The Mercs Take New York. This does not mean 'oh expect an entire 20,000+ words sequel tomorrow' no...I have the entire outline done but absolutely nothing written yet. I'm not even revealing the title...but it's probably not what you're expecting. (Aka they're not going to Woodstock sorry everyone don't leave I promise it'll be good) But yes...if you're reading this, my faithful followers, have no fear. The Mercs Take New York WILL HAVE A SEQUEL AFTER ALL.**

**That is all. Try to...at least enjoy this silly thing. This is for you, Legolas Shaft, I hope you like it! **

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Allright, gather round chucklenuts. Uncle Scout heah's got a few stories to tell ya.

So let me just take dis moment for you all to go grab ya snacks, take a piss, brush ya hair, do whatevah ya gotta do.

Everybody heah? Allright…where do I start?

Respawn's some freaky stuff, lemme tell you what. Tha doc and Engie got togetha and developed tha respawn chip, ya see? It's just this little metal thingy in my arm, sautered onto my radius, and it keeps me from wakin' up somewhere I don't wanna be. Namely: Hell. It's the craziest thing, man. Lit on fire? Respawn. Decapitated? Respawn. Backstabbed? Respawn. Shot up? Respawn. I mean sure, ya wake up wit horrible nausea or paranoia or headaches…but I mean ya not dead, so who's complainin'?

Every respawn is different, but dey all have an underlyin' theme. Headshots are one of the easiest. You get sniped or do a suicide? Ya wake up feelin' like you stuck a fork in an electrical outlet. Like, every muscle in your body contracts and sometimes ya can't hear very well for a little while after one of those. I, uh, get seizures a lot.

You bettah wipe that grin off ya face before I do it for ya.

Everyone has different side-effects, yeah? Anyway, before I was so _rudely _interrupted…respawnin' from bein' lit on fire is just as bad as dyin' from it. Ya wake up not knowin' who you are or where ya are, and ya skin itches for weeks after one of those.

Then there's gettin' blown up. Sheesh. Let me just say, havin' ya body parts scattered across the battlefield is the reason dere's an old bucket in the resupply room. Puke. Everywhere. Just about everyone blows chunks after, well, gettin' blown _up. _Yeah…it gets Sniper pretty bad. Then ya feel nauseous for the rest of the day.

Backstabbin' ain't as bad as a few of 'em. You just kinda feel like there's dis awful aching in your back all day, and you constantly have to pop your spine or it gets all stiff. Like I said; respawn is some scary stuff.

Suffocatin' or drownin'…dat's pretty bad. Oooh, one time Demo drowned because the freakin' BLU frog didn't kill him with one stab so he pushed him into the water and held him under…stupid Frenchie. Anyway, Demo got this weird little cough that wouldn't go away and Medic had to do surgery on his tray-key-ah. Yeah. It was gross.

But, no, you haven't heard _nothin_' yet. Okay, so this one time, Soldier had this bright idea that if we tied tarps to my ankles and then to my wrists, and he threw me off tha roof, I would be able to fly. Yeah…not one of my finer moments. Let me just say, havin' every bone in your body crushed on impact from a dangerous height…it's a weird respawn. You kinda feel like you're wakin' up from a long, long nap and your bones feels real heavy and ah man, ya joints are killin' ya. Like, it feels like ya knees and elbows and shoulders are on FIRE! Movin' hurts. Anyway, we tried five more times before Medic finally made me quit because I'd lost the ability to walk. Yeah. Two days of physical therapy with the crazy old Kraut. NOT cool.

You might think; how do you guys not go insane from not dyin'? HA. Buddy, who ever said we were all sane? Now DAT is a word I haven't heard in a long time. Sane.

OH, but this other time…okay. Respawn is great and all…but it isn't without its flaws. More often than I'd like to admit, sometimes ya wake up completely naked. Somethin' happens to ya clothes while you're going to the machinery and then boom, birthday suit on the cold, tiled floor. And what's worse is if someone hasn't made it to the bucket and ya find yaself buck naked in someone else's lunch. Not fun. The only thing fun about it is Spy. Actually, no. I take dat back. Spy is terrifyin' if he wakes up naked. Because, ya know, the mask and everythin'? Yeah. One time it happened and we were all in the room, comin' back from the battle, waitin' on him, and he respawned in just his shoes, socks, and tie. None of us saw anythin' though, because I swear the guy moved like lightning- and he took one shoe off, threw it at the light, and busted it all to pieces, rainin' glass on everyone. Medic had fun for the next two hours diggin' shards of glass out of everyone's scalp and shoulders, but at least Spy kept his ugly mug hidden, right?

Woo, but Demo is scary when he wakes up from _any_ respawn. Because I guess for him, he has to experience what it's like to be one hundred percent sober for once in his life. He like comes up swingin', and he's just _really_ scary. Like, his eye gets all focused and intense and he gets all quiet and stoic…not like the belligerent drunk we all know and love, right? It's weird to see him sober any time, actually. He's actually kind of…funny. Like someone's dad. He takes care of Pyro bettah than the rest of us and keeps tha drinkin' to a minimum when he's around the freak.

Sorry..what were we talkin' about? Oh, right. Embarrassing respawn.

Oh, this one time Heavy dropped a couch on Sniper! Okay, this wasn't really an embarrassing respawn but it WAS freakin' hilarious. Sniper had lost his precious sunglasses somewhere down in the couch cushion, right? So Heavy was getting' tired of his complainin' and dude just picked up the whole couch like it was a piece of paper and let Sniper look under it. Thing is…our couch is old, dude. Like, really old. Like…probably older than the Administrator. Actually I take that back, that's not fair to the couch…anyway, it was already ripping where Heavy was holding it and the fabric just…tore. Whole couch landed right on top of Sniper and crushed the guy. Hoo-hoo BOY was he pissed! But I mean no one can really yell at Heavy besides Medic so Sniper just had to settle for brooding and avoiding him which is like, his specialty anyway.

So I guess you could say I'm like a cyborg. Like those fancy robot people? I mean, I got metal inside of my body. The respawn chip here, and then the mechanical thing on my heart. See this lump right here? Yeah, that's it. You can feel it's like really hot if you put your hand over it. And sometimes right after a respawn it glows red, like UNDER my skin! Like some kind of Iron Man crap. Do you like comics? Dude, I freakin' love comics.

Sorry…so yeah. That's about it.

Like I've said before, nothing really interesting happens here. Like, ever. I mean everyone's crazy and weird and _old_ as hell so…dat's like, a normal day for us.

So in conclusion…respawn. For such an amazin' piece of technology you'd think it'd be easier to tweak it so you didn't puke your guts out when you literally wake up from death, yeah?

I think so, anyway.

**god please don't hate this I just needed a way to announce my sequel**


End file.
